This rant is the 1st installment of the Rant On... series, which will be featured regularly - by which I mean whenever I feel like ranting. Post any suggestions for future rants in the comments.Fortune cookies. A magnificent treat that also provides deep, penetrating insight into your future. Unlike horoscopes, these little tidbits are not vague and all-encompassing...they are specific to you and only you - such as "You will make a rewarding decision." But all too often these chinese wonders fail to live up to their promise. First off, there's fortunes like "The future holds great things for you." Great. What the hell does that mean? Am I going to find a quarter under a couch cushion tomorrow? Or am I going to make a million dollars without doing any real work in 5 years? How do I know what a cookie considers a great thing? Maybe it considers the fact I'm not eating it a good thing. This statement is highly subjective, especially from a cookie's perspective.
Then, with things like "Pass the bill to the person of your left" (yes, the person of your left) and "You should make a bold business decision," the fortune cookie goes from prophecizing about your future to telling you what to do. It crosses the line between fortune and advice. And this is truly disappointing. The last thing I need is a cookie telling me what to do. Do I take advice from a Chips Ahoy? I don't think so. Why should the fortune cookie get any preferential treatment? If you're not going to tell me about my future, I don't want to hear it. And on a related note, have those "lucky numbers" ever been lucky for anyone? You'd think a self-proclaimed cookie of fortune could give you some real lucky numbers. I mean, if it can't get that right, how am I supposed to believe the fortune/advice it gives me is legit?
And last, who decided the fortune cookie was a cookie? Did they know what a cookie is? Had they seen a cookie before? Because if they had, it'd be pretty glaringly obvious that the fortune cookie, with it's folded shape and hollow inside, did not fit the bill. It's more like a cracker than a cookie, though even that doesn't quite fit.
Really, what it all boils down to is this: The fortune cookie is neither a fortune, nor a cookie. Discuss.
Also, enjoy some weird fortunes (that page also has a great FAQ).